Jan 22 - Almost One Year Ago

I really do not want to blog about this but it only helps me release all the tensions, fears, sadness and hurt with what the family had gone through last year.

DD1 was very sick towards the last quarter of 2007 and continued on to 2008. I remembered she's been sick in school around this time and had complained to me how she felt so tired and that she fell on her dorm ground. It was also the same time last year when she came back to winter quarter found out she had a walking pneumonia. There was also one day that she had to miss a class as she was too weak to go, and collapsed in her room.

How do parents cope up with a sick child or adult child and because she is far away, there isn't much that you can do about it? Mother's instinct helped me find out there's really something wrong. On her birthday last year, she was a totally different person, so unusual, odd. She withdrew all her classes, decisions made by her dad and myself. She flew back home to seek some medical attention.

Hospital hopping is what had happened. Within three days, she had gone to four hospitals. I always cry when I watch a video on my phone, seeing her helpless. I shed many tears as it broke my heart every time I visited her. I do not cry in front of her, I don't want her to see that. I want her to see me strong. There was a point when she had asked for a priest. I immediately called a priest close to the family. That was the lowest point in my life, I was clueless and scared. In denial maybe, there's no acceptance of what happened.

After Valentines day we have the diagnosis, that was a relief. Imagine getting different diagnoses everyday. Nothing is permanent in this world. I have to accept whatever God has given me. I prayed so hard every time she'd have a test done.

The diagnosis: she has SLE Lupus, a disease with no cure. She has questions, why her? I try to answer her positively that God has plans for all of us. He planned for her to live and continue to pursue her career in nursing and eventually help people. I always tell her that I always pray for her. She knows it's a manageable disease and she cannot abuse her body. March 18 was her last hospitalization, recovering from her episode of forgetfulness and oddness. I was assured by her doctors that she will recover and everything would be fine.

It's almost a year now and DD1s birthday is coming again. I stay very close to her even I am miles away. She will always be my big baby. I miss her so much and I always pray that HE watches her and all my kids everyday.

I would lie if I say that I did not cry blogging this. There's always HOPE and I pray that He gives me strength when I am weak. My break is long and due and I will take it anytime I want to.